Mistakes, Shame, and Back to Square 1

Three months. Three months I didn’t run. Three months I ate whatever I wanted. Three months I fell of the fitness wagon. Three months I stopped believing in myself. Three months of lying to myself and others. Three freaking months. 

The least I can say is that I’m so ashamed. I avoided my needs, my priorities, my friends and family. Like I said I fell of the fitness wagon. Everyday, I avoided working out and eating right. I told myself, “don’t worry tomorrow is a new day” yet that tomorrow never came. I’m so embarrassed I want to cry. I want to cry because I gave up, I went back to my old ways of eating until I was sick. 

This time I will always be on guard. No more slip ups. I must not become to content with myself. This was a lesson of humility. I forgot that I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I got cocky and thought I could handle it, I thought, “it’s been 5 months, things have changed…” No they haven’t and nor will they ever. I have and over-compulsive disorder that must not be forgotten. I must not forget it this time.

So here I am again, back at square 1. Tomorrow will be my first day again. I just have to get through tomorrow. One day at a time. Even one hour or down to the minute. Whatever it takes, I’m gonna fucking do it! Do you hear old self with no self control?????? I’m going to be the master of my body so help me God! 

Enough is enough.

-Shredandshed

Tuna Salad in A Tomato 4 oz. water-packaged tuna (or 2 oz. chicken) 1/4 cup chopped celery  1/4 cup chopped red onion  1 Tbsp. reduced-fat mayonnaise 1 tsp. Dijion mustard I large tomato, hollowed out 1/2 whole-grain English muffin Combine tuna, celery, onion, mayonnaise, and mustard in bowl and stuff into hollowed-out tomato. Serve with English muffin. 298 Calories High-res

Tuna Salad in A Tomato

  • 4 oz. water-packaged tuna (or 2 oz. chicken)
  • 1/4 cup chopped celery 
  • 1/4 cup chopped red onion 
  • 1 Tbsp. reduced-fat mayonnaise
  • 1 tsp. Dijion mustard
  • I large tomato, hollowed out
  • 1/2 whole-grain English muffin

Combine tuna, celery, onion, mayonnaise, and mustard in bowl and stuff into hollowed-out tomato. Serve with English muffin.

298 Calories

I don’t have a tiny waist, I have more of an athletic body rather than an hourglass shape, but I love my body so I don’t really care. I have a flat stomach though which I never thought was ever possible but it is I guess! These pictures aren’t the best but it’s the only ones I could find, I’m probably going to make a better before and after picture but this will have to do for right now! :)  High-res

I don’t have a tiny waist, I have more of an athletic body rather than an hourglass shape, but I love my body so I don’t really care. I have a flat stomach though which I never thought was ever possible but it is I guess! These pictures aren’t the best but it’s the only ones I could find, I’m probably going to make a better before and after picture but this will have to do for right now! :) 

Sh*t Happens

Ugh yesterday was probably my lowest point since I’ve started this new life style change. I ate cookies upon cookies, 2 snickers bars, M&Ms and a spoon full pf peanut butter……. Thus, my lowest point ever….. 

But today is a new day and I know I’ve been saying that for the past week but today I’m just going to tell myself:

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole life problem at once. 

Just for today I will be happy.

Just for today I will strengthen my mind.

Just for today I will be strong.

Just for today I will be unafraid.

I’m very proud of myself and I will continue to be proud of myself no matter the mistakes I made because I’m human and thats what we do. We mess up. I’m not going to pretend that I never eat bad or skip a work out. Because that would be lying to you guys and to myself. I’ve made some poor decisions but its over and done with. I fell down but I’m getting back up again. And you know what, I’m sure that I’m bound to fall again, but that just means that I’ll be dusting my knees off one more time. 

The poor mistakes that have been made were probably from the stress of the end of the school quarter, SATs (which went very well btw) and (probably the biggest stresser) boys……. But I’m making a promise to myself: I pledge that no matter what happens, no matter what stressful school work comes at me, or what boys come into my life, I will be strong enough to fight it out and leave successful! 

Thanks for reading my little rant :)

P.S. Btw I just ran 7.5 miles with a .5 mile cool down! :) 

February 2012

Well this month was very hard. I did things I regret, eating and relationships things didn’t go as well as I would have liked them to. I’m not going to say the past month sucked but it was extremely challenging. I really hope  that March will be better. In fact, I’ll make sure it’ll be better than February. I need to get back into the swing of things. Maybe it’s time for another progress picture, I don’t……. Well I’ve still got time to achieve my goals and I’m not going to quit after all I’ve worked for. Wish me luck for this up coming month! 

P.S. 102 followers! yay haha I know it’s not a lot but it’s still a surmountable amount of people who support me! So thanks so much you guys! :)